Returning - Chapter 196
Chapter 196: Alive
The hospital building's rooftop had been converted into an enclosed garden, normally a place for staff and patients to rest. When Xue Zi'ang came up, the entire rooftop was empty except for Xue Zhan.
The wind was strong at night, and the surrounding windows weren't fully closed. The greenery inside rustled loudly, a few leaves landing directly on Xue Zhan's shoulders. But he simply sat motionless, leaning back in a rattan chair, gazing absently into the distant night.
Xue Zi'ang sat down beside him and asked, "After my father died... did you really consider suicide?"
Xue Zhan replied, "I am still alive."
The person beside him fell silent again. Only after a long while did a low voice murmur, "I'm sorry."
Xue Zhan turned to look at him, but he had already shifted his gaze to the brilliantly lit lighthouse opposite them.
Glancing down at his arm, which had largely recovered, Xue Zhan said with self-deprecation, "It's deserved. This way, my conscience feels a little easier."
They sat in silence for a long time. Finally, Xue Zi'ang rose from his chair and walked straight toward the stairwell. But after a few steps, he stopped abruptly. "Uncle, thank you."
Xue Zhan remained seated, saying nothing.
"My mother knows about Zhao Yu's suicide attempt. She said that when my father was abusing her back then, she also thought about dying. If it weren't for you saving her and protecting her all along, I wouldn't have just lost my father. I can't accept my own mother falling in love with my uncle, but I can understand a desperate woman falling in love with the man who saved her. As for my father's death, I don't know who to blame. Thinking about it carefully, even without the shock, his illness wouldn't have sustained him much longer. Perhaps leaving sooner was a release for him. You and my mother... neither of you were wrong."
The night wind continued to howl in, the swaying leaves making the light flicker erratically. Raising his eyes to look at the man before him, who seemed to have matured so much in an instant, Xue Zhan suddenly smiled and also said softly, "Thank you."
When Zhao Yu pulled open the door and came out, aside from Ji Sui, who had been forced to return to his ward to rest, the other men were all still waiting outside.
She had no energy to resolve the issues between them right now, so she simply said, "I'm going to see my Godmother and Godfather."
Ling Jianwei stood up and carefully supported her. "Zhuang Ye is there too."
When Zhao Yu pushed the door open and entered, Zhuang Ye was kneeling before the two elders. Her Godfather had his eyes closed, head bowed, not saying a word. Her Godmother was continuously wiping away tears with a tissue.
There was no need to ask what they were discussing. Zhao Yu slowly approached and knelt down beside Zhuang Ye as well. But before her knees could touch the floor, her Godfather and Godmother simultaneously grabbed her arms and pulled her up.
"What are you doing? You're still injured..." Her Godmother carefully cradled her injured wrist, crying and shaking her head. "Your Godfather and I aren't unreasonable people. We know it wasn't your fault. I just..."
She couldn't finish the sentence before she was choking with sobs.
Her Godfather had Zhao Yu sit on the bed, then sighed at Zhuang Ye before him. "You should get up too. What happened back then, it wasn't you who did it. What can we possibly blame you for?"
Song Xuan pulled Zhuang Ye up from behind, but didn't say a single word to him. He just dejectedly opened the door and walked out.
Zhao Yu had imagined countless times the scene of her Godparents learning the truth, and each time, just thinking about it made her feel suffocated. Now that this day had truly arrived, she found the feeling of suffocation wasn't as overwhelming as it used to be.
Perhaps the physical and emotional pain lately had numbed her. When she finally calmed down and faced them without concealment, there was instead a sense of relief.
The night was too quiet. Even through the tightly closed door, the sound of weeping from within could be heard. But in a place like a hospital, such sounds were never unusual.
Xu Chengyan strained to discern it; it wasn't Zhao Yu's crying, but her Godmother's. Yet no matter who it was, such a desolate weeping never sat well with him.
Looking up at the distraught Song Xuan, he finally couldn't hold back. He rose from his stool and strode away.
This place, this scene, was far too oppressive. Every minute he stayed here felt unbearably torturous.
Yet without knowing how, he found himself once again at the old alley where Cui Lan's grandmother lived.
In the dead of night, the alley was empty. But the gate to the Cui family's courtyard was still wide open, just like the last time. He stood at the entrance and looked inside. That white-haired old woman was still sitting alone on the ground, completely isolated.
This time, however, the old woman saw him but didn't mistake him for her late granddaughter. With only a blank look, she asked, "Have you seen my Lanlan?"
Xu Chengyan wanted to speak but hesitated. It was a long moment before he finally murmured, "I will give you an answer."
By the time she emerged from the ward, the sky was nearly light.
Her Godmother had cried herself completely voiceless, yet Zhao Yu hadn't shed a single tear. It seemed the unrestrained outburst earlier had drained every last drop.
Watching the figure leaving silently ahead of her, she hesitated for a moment, then called out to him. "Zhuang Ye."
Zhuang Ye stopped in his tracks.
She said, "Back then, I was the one who wanted to be with you."
Zhuang Ye slowly turned his head to look at her.
She smiled and said, "I never bore any resentment toward you."
He smiled back. "I would rather you hated me."
She shook her head. "I don't want to hate anymore. I don't want to hate anyone anymore. Now, besides staying alive, I have no other choice. You..."
"If you stay alive, I will too."
If she was still alive, what right did he have to die?
She had to make a choice more difficult than death, and so did he. He had to live well, slowly accepting a punishment far more agonizing than dying.
His figure gradually receded, finally disappearing into the depths of the silent corridor. Zhao Yu stood frozen for a long time, then turned back to look at the men still sitting in the hallway. "Go back."
No one moved.
She lowered her head and smiled wryly. "Don't worry, I won't die. How would I dare to die now? I'm just... truly exhausted. I want to rest."
Whether they had listened to her words, whether they had left, she didn't know, nor did she have the strength to care.
She was indeed too tired. She just wanted to sleep soundly.
Yet, lying back in bed, closing her eyes, she still couldn't sleep. Her eyelids were too heavy to lift, but her mind remained startlingly lucid.
The images of her mother working hard to raise her over the years, the warm and lively scenes with her Godmother's family, growing up alongside Yu Jin, and every little moment from meeting to falling in love with Zhuang Ye.
Those memories she once didn't even dare to recall, thinking they had been completely sealed away, all slowly replayed in her mind like a film.
Four years of escape, endurance, and self-torment had almost made her forget what a happy feeling it was to be alive before.
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