Returning - Chapter 179

Chapter 179: Lost

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Sitting in his study, staring at the relentless stream of news on his computer screen, Xu Chengyan felt a wave of inexplicable irritation. He couldn't help but open the drawer, fish out a cigarette, and light it.

The door creaked open, and a little girl in a pink princess dress tiptoed in. "Uncle, Uncle, I'm hiding here. Don't make a sound."

Spotting the man beside the desk shrouded in smoke, the girl instantly put on a stern, serious face. "Uncle promised me he'd quit smoking. Why are you doing it again?"

With that, she darted over to Xu Chengyan and reached out, trying to snatch the cigarette from him.

Afraid of burning her, Xu Chengyan moved his right hand, cigarette pinched between his fingers, out of her way. But she quickly scrambled up onto his lap, using the desk for support, still intent on grabbing it.

Xu Chengyan sighed in resignation and could only extinguish the half-smoked cigarette in the ashtray. "Alright, I won't smoke anymore."

The girl leaned in close and sniffed him, then recoiled, her face twisted in exaggerated disgust. "You stink. Uncle, if you keep smoking, no pretty older sister will ever like you."

Xu Chengyan didn't know whether to laugh or cry at her expression. He subconsciously lowered his head to sniff himself. He had been smoking quite heavily these past few days; there was indeed a bit of an odor.

"Am I right? It's so gross." The girl's face was a mask of drama. "Uncle, your teeth are so white. If they turn black from smoking, you won't be handsome anymore. And if you're not handsome, I won't marry you when I grow up."

Xu Chengyan pinched her cheek, speechless. "You're almost six years old. How can you still talk such nonsense?"

"I'm not talking nonsense," she insisted. "The boys in my class are all super ugly. None of them are as handsome as you, Uncle. You're the most handsome, most handsome man I've ever seen. Of course, I'm going to marry you when I'm big."

The girl, already as pretty as a porcelain doll, looked utterly adorable saying these things with such an earnest expression. It made anyone want to squeeze her little cheeks. Xu Chengyan stroked her head and smiled, but a thought suddenly flashed through his mind, unbidden: If Zhao Yu's child had survived, would it have been this cute too? With such a beautiful mother, the child surely would not have been lacking.

Four years ago... if she hadn't miscarried back then, the child would be over three years old now.

"Daring enough to rub outside, but too scared to push inside. Is Boss Xu afraid I might accidentally get pregnant and use the child as leverage?"

"Don't flatter yourself. Even if you conceived, you wouldn't carry it to term."

"Is that so? Truly worthy of the eldest young master of the Xu family. Young Master Xu, a piece of advice: don't be so arrogant. Even if one day you begged me to bear you a child, I wouldn't grant your wish."

Those past dialogues echoed in his ears again. Xu Chengyan couldn't even pinpoint why. Words that had barely left an impression on him before now surfaced with such clarity, over and over again, lately. His hand moved unconsciously to reach for another cigarette. The girl in his arms immediately stopped him. "Uncle, you're a grown-up. How can you break your promise?"

His fingers froze mid-air, stiffening for a moment before slowly drawing back. Xu Chengyan placed the girl from his lap onto the floor. "It's very late. Go to sleep now."

The girl clung to his trouser leg, acting coy. "I want to sleep with you, Uncle."

"You're a girl, and Uncle is a man. We can't sleep together."

"Then do I have to wait until I marry you to sleep with you?"

On any ordinary day, Xu Chengyan would have patiently explained to her, yet again, the concept of not being able to marry one's uncle. But right now, he was profoundly agitated. He could only wave his hand dismissively. "Go back to your room this instant, or Uncle will get angry."

The girl looked at him, wronged, not daring to move but unwilling to leave. Finally, it was her mother who also came to the study, and only then was she reluctantly coaxed away.

Watching his sister, her belly heavily pregnant, Xu Chengyan stared blankly for a moment. He suddenly asked, "Is being a mother a very happy thing?"

Xu Nuo was already leading her daughter away when she heard this random, peculiar question. She turned back, looking at him curiously. "What? You want kids now? Come on, seriously? You just broke off your engagement, and now you want to be a father?"

Then, as if struck by a juicy piece of gossip, Xu Nuo excitedly trotted back and sat down next to Xu Chengyan. "Don't tell me those rumors are true? You really called off the engagement for a woman? She's not pregnant, is she?"

Xu Chengyan shot her a glare, then glanced at her belly, and then at his niece. "Tell me," he said, "if a woman lost her child, wouldn't she be heartbroken? And if she also lost her uterus, couldn't bear children ever again... wouldn't that be even more devastating?"

Xu Nuo stared at her unusually behaving brother for a long time. Suddenly, her eyes widened, full of disbelief. "Xu Chengyan, you didn't... you didn't actually do something so monstrous, did you? I knew you were no saint, but I never thought... This is too much! You usually can't even be bothered to wear a condom properly, got her into trouble, forced her to have an abortion, and ruined her uterus? Fuck, aren't you afraid of shortening your lifespan?"

Shortening his lifespan? That phrase sounded familiar. That woman at the hospital had said the same thing to him before. Xu Chengyan looked at his sister, utterly speechless. "Close that overactive imagination of yours. I would never do something so classless."

"Who would believe that?"

Xu Chengyan couldn't be bothered to argue. He pressed on, "You haven't answered my question."

Xu Nuo rolled her eyes, not mincing words. "Every woman is different. How do you expect me to answer? Some women love children, some don't. Some see their uterus as their very life, some wouldn't care if they lost it. How should I know which type you're talking about? But normally, for most women, losing a child and losing their womb... that's a massive blow. If it were me, I'd definitely feel like dying."

Silently, he pulled another cigarette from the drawer. Just as Xu Chengyan was about to light it, he met his niece's stern, disapproving stare and had to give up. He sighed, helpless, and asked, "Do you really think I'm not a good person?"

Xu Nuo was incredibly curious why her brother seemed like a completely different person today. But after a pause, she still nodded. "I really don't."

Yet, quickly, she added with a smile, "Strictly speaking, in our family... are any of us truly good people?"

Seeing the self-deprecating look on her face, Xu Chengyan was reminded of some past events. "I remember you split up with your first love for just that reason?"

Xu Nuo pursed her lips. "It wasn't a mutual split. I was dumped. The first time in my life I was ever dumped by a man. But there's nothing to complain about. Mom and Dad, Uncle and Aunt, looked down on him for being poor, and he despised our family for being filthy. His dream was to be an honest, upright prosecutor. Given some of the shady things our family gets up to... if I had married him, tsk tsk, I shudder to think."

Recalling the words Zhao Yu had said to him at the hospital, Xu Chengyan suddenly gave a soft, wry laugh. "You and me, we're in the same boat, I guess."

"Huh?" Xu Nuo didn't catch on for a second. "What do you mean? You mean... No way? You got dumped too?"

Xu Chengyan ignored her, waving his hand impatiently. "Just get out. It's late."

"Oh right, I need to sleep early. I'm doing charity work with the association tomorrow."

Xu Chengyan lifted his gaze, glancing at the Buddhist prayer beads on her wrist. "I thought you were just playing around. You actually believe in this stuff?"

"What can I say? I'm a mother now." Xu Nuo patted her round belly, then pinched her daughter's cheek. "I want to build up some good karma for the children."

The study fell quiet once more. The cigarette that had been picked up and put down was lit again. Xu Chengyan smoked it in silence, and when he was about to reach for another, he hesitated, then abruptly stood up, grabbed his jacket from the side, and walked out.

---

The hospital corridor was silent. Several bodyguards were still diligently keeping watch. Seeing Xu Chengyan, they didn't stop him, but one offered a helpful reminder, "Mr. Ling is inside."

Xu Chengyan approached slowly, stopping outside the hospital room door. He stood there for a long while but still made no move to enter. At this hour, she must be asleep. Even if she wasn't, she certainly wouldn't want to see him. Besides, even he didn't understand how he had inexplicably ended up here. Probably losing my mind, he cursed inwardly. He turned to leave but just then, a heart-wrenching scream pierced through the door. "Mom!"

It was Zhao Yu's voice.

Startled, Xu Chengyan instinctively moved to push the door open. But just as his hand touched the handle, Ling Jianwei's voice came from within: "Had a nightmare?"

His motion froze. He stood rigid for two seconds, then slowly let his hand fall. The soundproofing of the room was good; he could barely hear the conversation that followed. But he could well imagine the scene: a woman startled awake from a nightmare, and a man silently staying by her side to comfort her. Without a backward glance, he walked into the elevator. Inside this confined space, he suddenly wondered, What had she just dreamed about?

That terrified, tear-filled voice... had she dreamed of the moment her mother passed away? She must have been so pained, so utterly despairing at that time.

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