Honored Guest - Chapter 20
Afraid
Whenever Jiang Jin Yue angered Lan Yan, she would make a funny face and ask, “Lan Yan, you’re not mad at me, are you?”
Lan Yan rarely got angry with her, even when she was being unreasonable. But they had argued a few times.
Never like this, never this seriously.
Holding Lan Yan from behind, Jiang Jin Yue suddenly didn’t dare to look at her face. She could imagine Lan Yan’s expression.
Lan Yan was silent, her head lowered. Jiang Jin Yue didn’t try to coax her with a smile like she usually did, instead whispering, “I’m sorry.”
“Lan Yan, I’m sorry.”
She repeated the words over and over. Lan Yan felt a suffocating pain in her chest. She’d been in a daze ever since she’d found out, and seeing Jiang Jin Yue had made it worse. She couldn’t control her emotions. She pulled away from Jiang Jin Yue’s embrace and walked onto the balcony.
The rain was pouring even harder, the incessant drumming a constant irritant. The north-facing window on the balcony was open, and a gust of cold wind, carrying droplets of rain, swept in. The cool air helped clear her head.
Jiang Jin Yue followed her, standing by the balcony door. She suddenly sneezed. Lan Yan turned around, her eyes red and brimming with tears, her eyelashes and hair damp, either from the rain or from having been drenched earlier.
Lan Yan said, “Go inside.”
Jiang Jin Yue said, “You come inside.”
They stood there, facing each other, one inside, one outside. Jiang Jin Yue’s face paled in the wind, her body swaying slightly. Lan Yan’s resolve crumbled. Unable to win against Jiang Jin Yue’s stubbornness, she brushed past her and went back inside.
The overcast sky cast a dim light over the living room. Jiang Jin Yue closed the balcony door and turned on the lights, then went to her room and retrieved a set of pajamas, handing them to Lan Yan.
Lan Yan didn’t take them. Jiang Jin Yue said, “Do you want me to help you change?”
The marks of Lan Yan’s fingers were still clearly visible on her wrist. Lan Yan’s chaotic thoughts slowly settled. She looked at the clothes Jiang Jin Yue was holding, then, after a moment, went into the bathroom.
When she emerged, she looked refreshed.
A little too refreshed.
The pajamas were thin and cottony, clinging to her body. Lan Yan was taller than Jiang Jin Yue, so the clothes didn’t quite cover everything, revealing, for example, that she wasn’t wearing a bra.
A faint blush colored Jiang Jin Yue’s pale cheeks. “Why aren’t you wearing a bra?” she asked.
Lan Yan glanced at her. “It got wet.”
Jiang Jin Yue said, “I’ll get you one of mine.”
“Don’t bother,” Lan Yan said. “It’s fine.”
She looked at Jiang Jin Yue. “Will it… interfere with your lies?”
Her tone was cold, tinged with anger. Jiang Jin Yue knew she was angry, that she was suppressing her fury. When they argued in the past, although Lan Yan wouldn't shout, she would argue her point. It was different now.
This time, she was truly furious.
Jiang Jin Yue looked at her, their eyes meeting. Lan Yan sat on the sofa, her expression cold. “Sit,” she said.
As Lan Yan sat down, the difference in their height meant that Jiang Jin Yue could see the elegant curve of her neck, and the loose neckline of her pajamas. Her expression flustered, Jiang Jin Yue quickly sat down beside her.
Jiang Jin Yue asked, “Did your mother tell you everything?”
Lan Yan looked at her. “What if she hadn’t?”
Jiang Jin Yue’s mouth opened and closed.
Lan Yan said, “Thinking of another lie?”
“Lan Yan,” Jiang Jin Yue said, “Can we talk properly?”
Lan Yan retorted, “Aren’t we talking properly right now?”
Jiang Jin Yue said, “Can you just listen to me first?”
“Listen to you?” Lan Yan turned to her. “I’ve been listening to you since I came back! You said you were getting married! You said you were renovating your bridal suite! You said you didn't need our past relationship anymore! You said you’d given up on me long ago!”
“You were the one doing all the talking!”
“Jiang Jin Yue, did you think I would just leave happily? That I would be able to let go after finding out about all this later?”
Her voice cracked with emotion, her chest heaving, her eyes red and wet. Jiang Jin Yue, silenced by her outburst, looked at her, taking in her emotions. Then, she asked softly, “Then what should I have done?”
Her gentle voice was a stark contrast to Lan Yan's fury. Like a soft blade, it pierced through Lan Yan's defenses, drawing blood.
Tears welled up in Jiang Jin Yue’s eyes. She took a deep breath. “Lan Yan, tell me, what should I have done?”
Her voice was slightly hoarse, a hint of a sob in it. “You came back full of hope, defied your parents, gave up everything you had there. You risked everything to come back. Tell me, if you were me, what would you have done?”
“I…” Lan Yan said, “I wouldn't have kept it from you.”
“That's because you haven’t been through what I have!” Jiang Jin Yue said, “Do you think I didn’t want to tell you? I only have so little time left. Do you think I don’t want to be with you? Lan Yan, you know, besides my mom, you’re the person I care about most in this world.”
Didn’t she want to spend her remaining time with Lan Yan?
Didn’t she want to have a happy life with her?
But then what?
Let Lan Yan experience the joy of reunion, only to lose her again?
When they’d separated in high school, Lan Yan, clinging to the promise of her return, had buried herself in her studies, not even enjoying her university life. If they were to be together now, even for a short while, would Lan Yan truly be able to recover?
Jiang Jin Yue’s voice choked with emotion. “Of course I wanted to. I think about it every day. These past few years, every time someone knocked on my door, I would wonder if it was you. There was a time I couldn't sleep at night, worried that you’d come back and no one would be here to open the door for you.”
Lan Yan’s hands gripped her knees.
Jiang Jin Yue continued, “I wanted to be with you more than anything, to hear about your life abroad these past few years. I have so much to tell you, but I can’t.”
Her voice gradually calmed. “Lan Yan, you might think I lied because I’m selfish, but not telling you the truth would have been truly selfish.”
Lan Yan closed her eyes.
From the moment she'd heard the news from her mother to this very moment, the agonizing pain had washed over her again and again, consuming her, piercing her flesh, seeping into her blood, settling deep within her bones.
She couldn’t speak, her whole body trembling with pain, every word from Jiang Jin Yue like a knife twisting in her wounds, a slow torture, excruciatingly painful.
Jiang Jin Yue fell silent, looking at her. “Lan Yan.”
Lan Yan didn’t reply.
Jiang Jin Yue stood up and walked to the TV cabinet, pulling open a drawer and retrieving an envelope, which she handed to Lan Yan.
Lan Yan’s fingers twitched, then slowly opened, taking the envelope.
She opened it.
Inside were three plane tickets.
Jiang Jin Yue said, “The year you left for Canada, I wanted to go find you. My mother found out and beat me, then locked me in my room. She didn't speak to me for a month.”
Lan Yan knew how much Jiang Jin Yue cared about her mother. That must have been a very difficult time for her.
Jiang Jin Yue pointed at the second ticket. “The second year, I went to find you, and I met your mother.”
Although Lan Yan knew about this, hearing Jiang Jin Yue speak about it so casually still pained her.
She took out the second ticket, revealing the third.
Jiang Jin Yue said, “This was after my mom passed away. I wanted to go find you.”
A tear splashed onto the ticket. Lan Yan asked, her voice trembling, “Why didn’t you come?”
“Why?” Jiang Jin Yue said. “I guess… I didn't want to be that selfish.”
“Sometimes, I even hoped you’d forgotten our promise, or that you’d gotten used to life abroad, that you’d invite me to live with you there.”
She’d thought about all those possibilities, had even planned how she would respond.
But Lan Yan hadn’t. She’d given up everything she had abroad, crossing oceans and mountains to return to this city, where she knew no one but Jiang Jin Yue. She was stubborn, determined. The years apart hadn’t diminished her love, but strengthened it.
Lan Yan said, “I wouldn’t.”
How could she forget? She’d counted down the days. When she'd first gone abroad, she’d felt like she was crazy, agreeing to such an absurd promise. But she couldn’t let her mother down. If her mother disapproved, Jiang Jin Yue would never be happy.
Besides, Jiang Jin Yue’s mother had been injured because of Lan Yan.
It was just four years. Just four years, and then she and Jiang Jin Yue could be together forever. They would have countless more years to make up for lost time.
But she hadn't considered that Jiang Jin Yue might not have another four years.
She was still clinging to hope, dreaming of a long future together.
Lan Yan looked down, wanting to cry, but she couldn't. Wanting to laugh, but she couldn't. She frowned, clutching the three tickets, then suddenly covered her face with them, tears soaking the paper. Jiang Jin Yue sat beside her, looking at her trembling shoulders, then, unable to bear it any longer, reached out and hugged her.
She held Lan Yan close, listening to her muffled sobs, heavy and burning.
Jiang Jin Yue held her tight, her hand stroking Lan Yan’s hair. This embrace, which she’d longed for, now brought only heartache.
Lan Yan’s arms tightened around her waist, refusing to let go. Jiang Jin Yue rested her chin on Lan Yan’s head, her soft hair tickling her cheek. She whispered, “Lan Yan.”
Silence surrounded them, only the soft patter of rain against the window. Jiang Jin Yue spoke, “Lan Yan, I didn’t want to lie to you. I was just… afraid.”
Lan Yan stiffened in her arms.
Jiang Jin Yue looked down, her cheek nuzzling Lan Yan’s hair. She’d been afraid of so many things. When Lan Yan had left, she’d been afraid she wouldn’t come back. She’d finally adjusted, and then, during her second year, after meeting Lan Yan’s mother, she’d been afraid of the vast difference between them. Later, when her mother had her accident, she’d lived in constant fear, too afraid to even open her own medical diagnosis.
But those fears now seemed distant. There was something she was even more afraid of now.
She was afraid of leaving Lan Yan alone.
Lan Yan was silent for a few seconds, then pulled away, sitting up straight and looking at Jiang Jin Yue, her eyes shining with tears, dark and deep. Their gazes met, and Lan Yan said, “Don’t be afraid.”
She said, “From now on, I’ll always be with you.”
She said, “Xiao Yue, don’t be afraid.”
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